Finishing chemo was a blessing, but at the same time, it forced me, again, to embrace the fear of the unknown.
Much like a lot of things, this took me weeks and a few days longer than I had planned. I finished my cycle of Kadcycla chemo a little over six weeks ago. I assumed that when I finished, I would have a big celebration. Then I would hit the ground running and be ready to take on the world, and get back to my old life. Once again, I was wrong! Life, with all its twists and turns, had other plans. And while the past six months have been full of curveballs, closing the chemo chapter has still been an incredible blessing.
After I finished chemo, it was almost surreal. My first infusion was on December 15, 2023, and it seems like a lifetime ago. From first chemo to last, it was 461 days. This journey began with the thought, it would only be a few months of chemo, then surgery, and then we would all move on with life. Little did I know, this story would play out over a year and a half.
Finishing a total of 20 rounds of chemo and 20 rounds of radiation has me on my "Hindsight is 20/20 tour."
When people ask if I’m excited to be done, I often smile and say “yes,” but the truth is layered. I’m done with chemo, and that part does feel amazing. But the journey isn’t over. Between checkups, medications, and managing mild lymphedema, I’m still navigating life as a patient. “Done” means something different now.
From the outside, of course, the only visible scars are from my lumpectomy and my port. My hair has almost all grown back, so to the outsiders, I am just another person going about my life. For that, I am thankful. Having a shaved head, especially as a female, tends to evoke whispers, stares, and conversations about what type of cancer I must have. I never took offense to it, people are people, but I don't miss it. Several of those close to me have said that if I hadn't lost most of my hair, people who have known I had cancer.
I attribute much to being able to rest when needed, eat a healthy diet with amazing quality foods, work as much as I could for my mental health, have a little bit of luck, and a whole lot of mental toughness, thanks to my dad. People could see me, and even though my hair was gone, I looked "healthy," and for my loved ones, they needed me to look healthy, and I understood the assignment.
Now I am facing the next chapter of my life and wondering what that looks like. I have always been a little bit of a workaholic, a self-proclaimed culinary goddess, a lover of a good time, a collector of memories, and a jack of all trades, but I truly feel like after this, I get to build my life because at this point, I have earned it!
Creating a life, I don't need an escape from
I have heard the expression "two things can be true at the same time" more in the last few weeks than I have ever heard in my life. It has resonated with me so much after all, something so poisonous is what has hopefully cured me. I am the same, but forever changed. I am healthy, but my body needs to heal. I am happy, but at the same time, I grieve for the life I knew.
The life I envision is the one I have always had. It is a simple life that I don't need a vacation from, but one that I choose to vacation from. One that is filled with friends who are my roots who allow me to move freely, and one that is filled with love, laughter, and some sadness, because that is how we know we truly love.
